The Video Call That Always Almost Happens
Three months of daily texts. Voice notes, even. But every video call dies the same death — a broken camera, a security rule, a connection that fails right on schedule. Reading the registry’s reports, the excuse catalog is so consistent it reads like a shared script — because it is one. Here’s every classic, decoded, and the one five-minute test no scammer survives.
The excuse catalog, from real reports
“My camera is broken.” For three months. On a phone that sends you 4K photos of his dinner. The camera that photographs but never streams is an engineering marvel found only in romance scams.
“The bandwidth on the rig / the ship / the base can’t handle video.” The oil-rig engineer and the deployed soldier are the catalog’s favorite characters precisely because their jobs pre-install this excuse. Real offshore workers and service members video-call their families constantly — ask any military spouse. (The uniform version has its own full breakdown in our military scams guide.)
“Security regulations forbid it.” No military, no contractor, no vessel bans a face on a personal call. What this excuse actually protects is the gap between the stolen photos and the person typing.
“Let’s wait until it’s special — when we meet.” The romantic reframe: your basic verification request recast as impatience. Anyone who’d rather keep your fantasy intact than give you five minutes of reality has told you which one they’re selling.
The new move: the 8-second glitchy call
The catalog evolved. Reports now describe calls that DO connect — for seconds: a face that stutters, audio out of sync, “bad connection babe,” gone. Short, broken video is exactly where cheap face-swap tools live comfortably; sustained, unscripted video is where they break. A glitchy 8-second call is not verification — it’s the excuse catalog’s software update. (The full deepfake picture: our AI-fraud briefing.)
The five-minute test
Ask for one thing: a live video call, five minutes, where they do two ordinary things on request — touch their nose, hold up three fingers, turn to the window. Natural for any real person; catastrophic for a face-swap under moving hands and changing light. Frame it kindly: “It would make me so happy to see you for five minutes.” A person falling for you finds a way. A person farming you finds an excuse — and now you’ve heard them all.
If the call never comes
Run the photos through a reverse image search, check the profile against the registry, and if money has already moved, start with the first-steps guide — no shame, just next moves. Worried it’s happening to someone you love? This one’s for you. And whatever happens: report the profile. Your report is the warning the next person searches for.